Hey Dad, Let's Talk 2| Memoir of a “Thin Eater” |
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And I remember those days all too well. Envying thin people day in and day out. Obsessed with the scale, obsessed with the mirror. It's just so easy for skinny people, right? They can eat whatever they want and stay thin and beautiful. Yeah. ... SURE. But, that's really how it seemed at the time. I was just fifteen. I was 50 lbs overweight. I hated myself. Why was it that my skinny friend could eat a big slice of cake right there beside me – in fact, a bigger slice than I was eating – and yet somehow, she would remain thin and I would remain overweight. It was so unfair! I decided there were two kinds of thin people: Those who could gorge on whatever they wanted and never gain weight (because their metabolism was mysteriously sky high), and those who lived on rabbit food and exercized for two hours a day. Well, I knew I wasn’t in the sky high metabolism group, and I certainly knew I would never make it into the rabbit group either. I was doomed to be fat for the rest of my life. I tried everything. I was anorexic for . . . three days . . . three days that felt like an eternity in which I was ravenous for food and had a frenzied look in my eye. I was bulimic for . . . no wait . . . I *tried* to make myself throw up but chickened out. I tried that only twice; that is, if you can call touching your tongue lightly with your finger “trying to make yourself gag.” It was more of a phsychological attempt. I *imagined* myself doing it. Just like I imagined myself losing weight and becoming thin and pretty. Wishful thinking. Then I tried exercize. Tony Little every day . . . that lasted one week. Then I tried power walking. 3 km a day for one year would make me thin – I wrote it all down on paper! I was set. . . . But that lasted about two weeks, and I think I only actually walked about half a km a day, if even that. Wow. I remember how much of a god food was to me. It was a paradox too. I was suffering from depression and turning to food for comfort. Turning to food for comfort caused me to keep gaining weight, which therefore increased my depression, perpetuating my "need" for comfort foods. At age ten, I weighed 125 lbs. By the time I was fifteen, I weighed 170 lbs. But yet, I wasn’t any taller. Go figure. How much would I weigh by the time I was eighteen? It was a terrifying thought. I remember fantasizing that I was actually just wearing a fat suit: My dream guy thinks I’m obese, but then I take off the fat suit and appear as a thin, beautiful woman with gorgeous long legs and he’d fall head over heels in love with me . . . If only that were reality. But I wasn’t wearing a fat suit. No ma'am. Anyone out there who knows what it’s like to be obsessed with food, will probably identify with what I’m about to say next. But if you’ve never known the “lust for food,” you’ll probably just think I’m cookoo . . . and a pig. But, I’m gonna take a risk and say it anyway: I had no self-control when it came to food. Not even an ounce. That’s how empty my life was. Depressed? Bored? Sad? Tired? Bring on the food. I remember daily stuffing unbuttered toast down my throat just so I could be eating constantly without consuming too many “calories.” Or endless unsalted crackers. Porridge with raisins was another favorite since it was apparantly low in fat. Now, of course I was still guzzling pop and wolfing down cookies, chips and cake, but in between . . . in between . . . I was eating plain toast and unsweetened porridge. I knew the food was making me fat. But I loved the food. I couldn’t stop eating the food. I JUST DON’T LIKE SALAD, OKAY?! Do I really have to eat trail mix and spinach for the rest of my life in order to be thin? Thank God for dropping the “Weighdown Diet” book by Gwen Shamblin onto my lap. It was an answer to prayer. I discovered that I was eating food as a means of filling an emptiness inside, rather than turning to God to fill my spirit. I discovered that it wasn’t the food itself that was making me fat, but rather, the quantity of food I was eating. You mean, I can have bacon and eggs for breakfast and lose weight at the same time? I can have chocolate cake for dessert and lose weight at the same time? IMPOSSIBLE. But it turned out to be true. I learned how to differentiate between physiological hunger and physchological hunger: Real hunger verses head hunger. I learned to only eat enough to feel satisfied, rather than stuffing my stomach until I’d have to loosen my belt. I realized how greedy I was. I’d eat the whole donut rather than half of it, for fear that someone else would eat the other half. Well, why not wrap up the other half and eat it later when I’m truly hungry again? It turns out that the reason my skinny friend, the “thin eater” could eat cake without gaining weight, was because later on that day, when she wasn’t hungry, she didn’t eat anything; meanwhile, I wolfed down a bag a chips just for the heck of it.Now, I don’t want to rewrite Gwen Shamblin’s book. If you’re interested in learning more about how to listen to your body and learn the difference between real hunger and head hunger, please visit the Weighdown Workshop website . It’s been nine years and one pregnancy later, and I’ve maintained an average weight of 120 lbs.* I lost 40 lbs the very first year – by the time I was sixteen – without dieting on rabbit food. However, I did learn to eat healthier. I cut down my daily consumption by more than half of what I used to be consuming: That’s half the calories, half the carbohydrates, half the sugar, and half the fat. Wow. So, you really can loose weight while still enjoying all your favorite foods. The only “catch" is that you've got to wait until you’re actually hungry before you eat anything. No point in putting fuel in a car when the gas tank is full, know what I mean? All that to say that I still struggled for years afterward not to turn to food for reasons other than true hunger. Like anything, it’s a daily process of turning to God for help and for strength. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16) Sometimes, I’m hungry and I’m onto that third piece of juicy, cheesy pizza and I realize, yep, ma belly is full, it’s time to stop - but I don’t want to stop. Then I must remind myself that if I choose to overeat (greed), I’m going to get an upset stomach for one (who likes the feeling of being bloated or nauseous?), AND, I’m going to risk gaining weight. Not worth it. Instead, I wrap up my leftovers and enjoy them again later when I’m hungry again. There’s so much freedom in this! And I praise and thank the Lord continually for leading me away from a life of bondage to food addiction .
*Since writing this article, I've been through two additional pregnancies, and continue to maintain a weight of 120 lbs. :)
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(c) 2006 - Bekah Ferguson Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. www.bekahferguson.com Licensed under Creative Commons.
Readers have left 3 comments.  1. Thanks for the wonderful articleGuest User, Unregistered I am going to check out the book and the website. Thanks for writing an honest piece.  Posted 2009-02-25 11:55:59 2. Similar Story/Different EndingGuest User, Unregistered It is kindof crazy for me to read your post because your story is so similar to my own. I stumbled accross the Weighdown Workshop book at my local library a couple of years ago and it totally changed my relationship with food as well. I had been dieting since childhood and just knew that once I became thin both me and my life would be perfect. Well, I am now a size 0 and weigh 113 pounds and am 5'5, but even though I quit using food as anesthesia, I still feel empty sometimes. And I still binge when I "feel" fat and ugly and/or depressed. But now I know that even though I overeat, all I have to do is wate until I'm hungry and then start all over. It's way better than waiting til Monday to start the next diet that won't work. I lost all my excess weight but I am still the same "me" inside, so that was kind of disappointing. I also read Geneen Roth's book called Breaking Free From Emotional Eating, which filled in some of the gaps that Gwen Shamblen's book left open. Pain is something I will always have to deal with, in some form or another, as long as I am human. Thank you for being so honest. Posted 2009-02-25 12:13:22 3. Same with me!Beth Bradley, Unregistered ![[smiley=wink]](http://www.bekahferguson.com/components/com_jreactions/custom/templates/simple/smileys/smiley_wink.gif) Same with me, that book changed my life and I went on to become a model and having peace with food instead of feeling obssessed with it and I have been at peace with food for 10 years and still modeling some, as well. Posted 2010-02-23 16:08:55 |
I used to be overweight.