Hey Dad, Let's Talk 2| Is Unconditional Love Real Love? |
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I was watching NBC's Heroes the other night and was inspired to write about one of the scenes. A dejected Angela Petrelli is sitting on a front row pew in a dimly-lit Roman Catholic church with her son, Peter Petrelli. She says something to Peter like, "I know you hate me." He hesitates and says, "I don't hate you. You're my mother." She thinks about this a moment and then breaks eye contact, stating, "Unconditional love isn't real love." ... I understand the point she was making here and it makes sense at surface level. But if you dig a little deeper, you'll find the obvious misconception. See, what Angela really meant was, "You might 'love' me, but you don't like me. If I weren't your mother, you wouldn't love me at all. To me, that isn't real love; it's just a duty." But here's the thing: Loving someone because we "like" them is only a feeling - an emotion - and emotions are fickle. This is why people can fall madly in love and then years later, mysteriously "fall out" of love. It's because their love for one another was based on feel-good emotions. In other words, what can you do for me? As soon as those strong emotions fade away, perhaps during a time of difficulty, they believe they no longer love one another. Do we honestly believe that love based on feeling is real love? Real love is a choice. A commitment. It's true that we can't choose our family, but we can choose whether or not to love our family. Angela believes Peter only loves her because she's his mother. But Peter loves her because he's choosing to. He's commited to her because he loves her (when he first grew to love her, it was before he knew about the dark side of her life) - and even though he despises what she has done, he has made a conscious choice to keep on loving her; even though he doesn't currently "like" her or have any warm feelings for her. She thinks this unconditional love isn't real. But what would she rather? For him to literally hate her? She knows he doesn't approve of her choices but even she doesn't approve of her own choices. So, why does she want him to love her for what she does? She personally doesn't like who she is, so why does she want him to love her for who she is? I would argue that real love is consciously choosing to love someone regardless of whether or not they deserve it. This kind of love is strong enough to carry us through those times when we don't feel any warm-fuzzies; when we've been wronged or disappointed or pushed to the limit. It gets us through the difficult times so that we can still come out on top. It is completely self-less. This kind of love says, "even though I don't like you right now, I choose to keep on loving you." I don't know about you, but that's the way I want to be loved. This kind of love brings security. Imagine being in a relationship where you always have to worry that if you make one too many mistakes, your friend, or spouse, or family member is going to ditch you. Talk about subordination: "If you don't please me on an on-going basis, I won't like you enough anymore to keep on loving you." Is this real love? If it is then I don't want it. Angela Petrelli is miserable because her son loves her unconditionally, rather than liking her conditionally. But real love can be (and often is) an impetus toward redemption. Norma McCorvey, Jane Roe of Roe v. Wade was won to the Lord by unconditional love. It is the most powerful form of love mankind can experience - or should I say, be privileged to experience. Love based solely on feelings is counterfeit. It is sure to disappoint, time and time again. "Eye for an eye" is human nature. When someone is rude or grumpy or selfish; or does something negative on a regular basis; or is stubborn and hard-headed; or is sinful in some ongoing way that affects me personally (whether directly or indirectly), the natural reaction within me is to pull away, put up a wall, act cold, and *feel* less affection. If I don't approve of what someone says or does, I begin to feel like love and grace and affection is somehow endorsing their "bad" or unattractive/unlikeable behavoir. Or more specifically, something akin to passivity. For example: He/she just did this/that, so if I remain lovey-dovey with them, it's as if I'm letting them "get away" with bad behavior. There's this tendency to feel like, well, if they apologize, if they clean up their act - then I'll be warm and loving with them again. Or: give it a few days (the cold shoulder) until I cool off a bit . . . Once I start to feel some renewed affection toward them (this, reliant on good behavior), then I'll love them "unconditionally" again. Ha. This isn't unconditional love at all. Imagine if God "loved" us this way! Scary thought. That being said, He does discipline us when necessary, and we in turn shouldn't tolerate or enable the behavior of someone who is abusing us. There are consequences for actions and some relationships will have to require more boundaries than others. God allows us to face the consequences of our sin and we mustn't shelter other people from facing the consequences of theirs either. It's how we learn and grow. And regardless of how often we let Him down, God never withholds His love and affection if we seek it. "I will never leave you or forsake you" he says, and " surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Joshua 1:5, Matthew 28:20). The only time He seems distant is when *I* have drifted away or withdrawn or put up a wall - not the other way around. He is always waiting with open arms for me to return. When I am nasty, self-serving, grumpy, sinful - He still loves me just the same. He never gives the cold shoulder. Yes, "if I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" (Psalm 66:18. In other words, he doesn't love me less, but He isn't a pushover either. He will wait for my repentance and then He will listen again. No one knows better than God how to truly love another. After all, "God is love" (1 John 4:8). Psalm 145:8 says, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." In the same way that Jesus came "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14), we must learn to love others with "grace and truth." What does this mean? We must be open and honest when we see our loved ones doing wrong, for in this way we do not tolerate or "enable" their sin. However, we mustn't withdraw our love and affection. If we are to truly love others without condition, then they shouldn't have to earn or deserve our love. We did not earn our salvation, for it is "by grace [we] have been saved, through faith—and this not from [ourselves], it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). So, in the same way, our love for others must be a gift that isn't contingent on works. We must make a continual effort to keep that shoulder warm at all times, regardless of worthy behavior. This will feel unnatural, because it is unnatural - but like anything, we can learn to make a habit of it if we set our minds to cultivation. I'm thankful God loves me unconditionally - and what better way to witness for Christ than to love our friends, family and enemies with unconditional love. "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing" (1 Peter 3:8-9). "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).
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(c) 2009 - Bekah Ferguson Permissions: By all means, you are welcome to reproduce and distribute my articles in excerpts or complete format as long as you don't change any of the wording. If you do reproduce any part of my articles, please include the following information: by Bekah Ferguson, Ontario, Canada. www.bekahferguson.com Licensed under Creative Commons.
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