Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. (John 1:12-13)

Though I've written extensively on some of the specific aspects of self-esteem in other blog topics, I've decided to compile those writings into one single blog that focuses on the central structures of self-esteem; what the Bible teaches about identity; and how we ought to treat others. ...

Legitimate, life-giving self-esteem must come from internal sources, not external ones. It must be rooted in Christ. Those who truly value themselves and believe in their intrinsic worth as human beings, do not need validation from external sources in order to maintain that esteem. And so we find that self-worth is the very core of self-esteem.

SELF-WORTH

Many of us have placed unstable contingencies on our self-worth.

For example, we measure our worth as a person by how much we are loved by our family, how much we are loved by our husband/boyfriend, and how much we are valued by our friends, coworkers, or society. We also measure our worth by how competent we are academically, our career success, our physical attractiveness, and perhaps more obscurely, our virtue.

Many of us struggling the most with a lack of self-worth are ashamed (past or present sins), have been shamed (abuse, neglect), or have experienced the sorrow of infidelity (devastating to both body image and self-worth).

Ashamed 

Some of us live with regrets that haunt us to this day, no matter how much time has passed. Every time we recall what we did, we despise ourselves for it. Though we've genuinely repented of wrongdoings and know God has forgiven us, we still find it difficult to forgive ourselves. And even if we have forgiven ourselves, we continue to believe we are undeserving of peace and well-being because of the sufferings we have caused others.

Consider Psalm 103:10-12 which says, “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

You may not feel like you deserve happiness in your life because of the unhappiness you have caused others in the past. But the truth is, we have all hurt others in our lifetimes, we have all sinned against God, and none of us deserve anything. Romans 3:10 & 23 says, ”For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God . . . There is none righteous, no not one.” Yet Romans 6:23 assures that though "the wages of sin is death, the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Jesus paid the price for our sins on Mount Calvary. It is done, paid for, finished. God loves you and I so much and considers us so valuable, that he sacrificed his one and only Son for us (John 3:16)! Our Creator has assured us that through the blood of Christ, we are made worthy of love, peace and well-being.

What if the sins of your past were not so much ones that caused others to suffer, but rather caused you to suffer? Perhaps sexual sins left you with deep-rooted feelings of guilt, impurity and insecurity that continue to this day. Or maybe you lost valuable time, possessions and relationships due to drug or alcohol addictions, gambling, and the like. I urge you to memorize 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, so that you can remember it whenever false guilt rears its ugly head:

"Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." You have been washed and sanctified. You are clean. You are pure.

1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And in Isaiah 1:18 we read, ” ‘Come now, let us reason together,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’ ”

Regardless of your past, which is now as far as the east is to the west removed from you, you have been made worthy of love, honor and respect though the gift of Salvation we have graciously received from Christ. In Jesus alone, we find inexplicable value and worth as human beings.

Shame 

Some of you have been physically, mentally and/or sexually abused as a child, a teen or an adult. Some of you may even now be in an abusive situation with a husband/boyfriend, a friend, an employer, a parent or relative, or a caregiver. Ongoing or longterm abuse can lead us to believe we are unworthy of love and consideration. We come to the conclusion that there must be something so terribly wrong with us that we deserve to be treated this way. And if we are not valuable enough to be loved by those we should be able to trust, then we must be worthless.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is intimately acquainted with physical and emotional abuse. He knows exactly what you've been through and what you are even now enduring. The Son of God, pure and blameless, holy and just, was a "man of sorrows" and "despised and rejected by men." Like you (and any innocent victim of abuse), Jesus did not deserve the treatment he received at the hands of others. He was not unworthy of love and respect. On the contrary. Nevertheless, not only was he mocked and spit upon, and falsely accused, he was eventually tortured and crucified by those he had come to save.

"He [Jesus] was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not . . . he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed . . . He was oppressed and afflicted . . . he was led like a lamb to the slaughter . . . By oppression and judgment he was taken away . . . He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth." (Isaiah 53)

Dear friend, if you have been abused in the past, I urge you to seek counselling from a qualified Christian therapist or pastor. There is nothing shameful in needing therapy. In the same way that a physically-ill person must take special care of their body through nutrition, medication, bed rest, and the like, a person who is suffering with mental and emotional trauma needs equally important care and treatment of their minds and heart! We are not just physical beings. We are body, mind and soul. The first step to recovering your self-worth then, is to talk things out with a trustworthy counselor.

Are you in an abusive or neglectful relationship right now? Is there someone close to you, perhaps a husband/boyfriend or a parent who is verbally or physically abusing you? You must find a way to distance yourself from such people. If you have an abusive parent or guardian, do you have a close friend or relative you can move in with until you are able to find a place of your own? You don't deserve such treatment, regardless of what your abuser says. Cruel, selfish people are unable to love others in a healthy way. Their treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth as a person: It is a reflection of the dark sin in which they have become enslaved. Always remember that.

Is your husband/boyfriend emotionally/verbally abusive? I recommend marriage or relationship counselling. If he refuses to cooperate, do you have a close friend or family member with whom you can move in with for a time? Scripturally, we know that adultery is the only grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:9) but this doesn't mean we have to remain in an abusive relationship. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband." If your husband is continually degrading you and refuses counselling, it is in your best interest to separate from him for a time in the hopes that he will eventually seek counselling and reconciliation. If your husband is not a Christian, however, the Apostle Paul goes on to say in verse 15: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

If your husband/boyfriend is physically abusing you, you must leave immediately. How many times has he promised not to hit you again only to break that promise with yet another bout of violence? His word is untrustworthy. If he truly loved you, he would never lay a hand on you. Always remember that. Would you beat someone you love? Not a chance. Perhaps the first step to restoring your self-worth is to love yourself enough to get away from an abusive relationship! If your child or a close friend was being abused by someone, you would do everything in your power to rescue them. You deserve to be rescued too.

Infidelity

Discovering your husband has betrayed you with an extramarital affair must be as shocking as being told that your child, close friend or relative has died suddenly. And I am sure that a husband's unfaithfulness is more painful in the long run than losing him to death. All the love, trust, security and intimacy you have known is, just like that, utterly destroyed. And not only that, you are left with the conclusion that you are unworthy of his devotion, not valuable enough to be loved, and not physically attractive enough to have kept his interest. Adultery is a fell blow to one's entire self-image, and the road to recovery is long and hard; a roller coaster of intense anger, jealousy, and grief. Time does not heal these wounds and unless proactive measures are taken, a woman may live out the rest of her life having never recovered from the mental and emotional injuries she endured.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to seek counselling with a qualified Christian therapist or pastor experienced in this area. You can not recover from this on your own. Counseling will help you address and come to terms with the issues already present in your marriage that influenced the affair (in order for healing to come, you must be willing to address these issues, especially if you wish to avoid them in a future relationship). Moving past blame, bitterness and hurt won't be easy, but it's a critical step to being able to forgive and heal. A therapist will also help you work through the turmoil of grief, jealousy, insecurity, and loneliness resulting from a broken relationship. While a marriage can survive an affair, coming out stronger than it was before, one or both members of the couple may decide to end the marriage. Perhaps you are already divorced and remarried, or single.

Whether you've experienced the heartbreak of adultery just recently or years ago, it is vital that any residual damage to your self-esteem be recognized, acknowledged and worked through. Our thought life is a breeding ground for either a healthy well-being or a diseased one. It has oft been said that whatever you feed, will grow. If you feed negative thoughts, they will eventually consume you. Now, this is not to say we should put our heads in the sand or live in denial, but we must be very careful how much time we spend indulging painful memories and thoughts.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." And Philippians 4:8 says, "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Next Page: "Self-Image"